Losing by Wishing

Hard to turn the page when you’re stuck on the last one. The moment I left her behind was the moment my life stood still, or should I say the moment I moved forward. I should have stayed in the moment. They say the best way to know what you have is not to have it anymore. I say the best way to know what you have is to enjoy having it. I listened to my stubborn mind instead of my understanding heart. Now, I dwell in the loss of her gain. She always fought for us, but I was busy fighting for me, trying to understand what was no longer. ‘I am a husband’, which means I am no longer single. Self isn’t a priority when you’ve committed to taking care of another. I was so afraid of the emotions I felt for her, that I felt no emotions at all. I listened to the advice of maintaining a sense of self, when the only self that made sense was when I was with her. I can say “there are more fish in the sea”, but I caught an endangered species and it was the last one left. “If it was meant to be it will come back”, more like, “It was meant to be and I turned my back”. I can’t blame God nor the Devil because I was granted “choice” and used it to give up on what was chosen. Didn’t know I was crawling and learning to walk. Didn’t know I was just living and she was showing life. “A person shouldn’t have to go through this”; here I am feeling sorry for myself. A person should have to go through this! They need a daily reminder of the pain of selfishness. They need to understand that happiness isn’t about searching for more, but realizing you have it all!!!!